Thursday, July 28, 2016


Most of the time people see that word and right away think of some sexual deviant. Someone who likes to have pain inflicted on them in some sort of sexual ritual. My mind right away goes to the "50 Shades of Grey" craze from a few years back (yes. I did read the books. and I bought the movie. I thought it was... interesting, to say the least).  A masochist is one who enjoys physical pain.

Weird intro. sorry. but my mind has been working in really weird, convoluted ways the last few days.

I had a couple tattoos done a couple months ago. One on the top of my hand (crazy painful everyone said), and one on the inside of my wrist.  The last few days I have been trying to make sense of the desire for more tattoos. It is painful. But its a good kind of pain. -stick with me here- its a pain that you can rise above. a pain that you can control.

After having my babies with no pain medication of any sort, (4 were born at home) I remember the feeling of going somewhere else in my mind. Somewhere where I could control the pain, block it out, embrace it, triumph over it. Then when the pain is gone, you get this crazy high. I remember moments after having my fresh babes placed in my arms, looking up at HH and saying, "wow. I cant wait to do that again". not even kidding. he thought I was crazy.

Pain makes you feel alive. Pain that brings forth beauty, pain that you have chosen I guess you could say, is a pain I find myself desiring. Its a pain that makes me feel powerful, and strong and alive.

"Pain that brings forth beauty." Don't let that statement get lost in the shuffle. My tattoos are art to me. The compass on my hand is actually my daughters art. They are beauty to me.

The most mind blowing pain I have ever experienced also brought forth beauty. My 5 beautiful children.

*I told you my mind has been working weird lately.*

I already have a few more art pieces that I am looking at getting permanently inked onto my canvas. The pain will be welcome. The beauty after will be worth it.  Does that make me a masochist?

Friday, May 6, 2016

Pop a bowl of popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

An aunt of mine and I were chatting a few weeks ago about the direction our country is headed. It can be frustrating, disappointing, maddening and down right depressing if we allow it to be.

The different things I hear and see on mainstream media can get me thinking that we don't have a prayer, this country of ours. The black lives matter movement kind of blind sided me. Until 8 years ago I did not even know our country had a race problem. I may be naive. Maybe I live under a rock? I am not sure. But until the election of our current president, I did not think we had a race problem. I never felt that issues were raised because of color or race. I believed that if someone robbed, murdered, raped, broke the law, then they were criminals and should be treated as such. If you were a law abiding citizen that was doing your best to support your family, be a good parent, if you were striving to make a difference in this world (for good), then you would be respected. (Respect is earned. Not owed.)

I am not quiet sure when we became a people, a country, of wimpy, whiny people. If you don't agree with someone, you are offensive, a bigot, maybe even racist. Maybe its because you are a homophobe. But you are definitely judgmental.

As Christians, we are supposed to love, love, love. I guess when you're a Christian, you aren't allowed to hurt anyone's feelings. (I use the term 'christian' lightly, as the word Christian no longer identifies you with being a Christ follower, it seems people use the term to tell others that they are 'a good person'). I don't agree. As a Christ follower, yes I am to love, but that does not make me a doormat of epic proportions. I do not have to sit in a corner and quiet my voice. I can tell others that homosexuality is sin. I can voice my opinion on abortion, that it is murder. I am allowed to fight against the indoctrination of our children thru the government, when it wants to teach them that the muslim religion is accepted and even praised as a peace loving religion. Its wrong. So very very wrong, for us believers to quiet our voices.

Our local school girls have created a page on social media. "Free the beauty" its called. they think they are a big deal. They spout words and statements like "everyone is beautiful", they feel that no one should be allowed to call someone ugly, or fat, or stupid. Well I am sorry to inform you, little girls, that not everyone is beautiful, not everyone is perfect the way they are. Everyone could use some improvement (please do not misinterpret this as a statement on solely physical attributes).  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I may not see things the same way as you do. I tend to look at a persons character, who they are as a human being, and if they are ugly on the inside, they tend to take that shape on the outside. If you are a nasty girl, (mean, ugly, deceitful) then you ARE nasty and ugly to me. You may not be the most physically beautiful specimen on the planet, but if you have a beautiful character, if you are kind, honest, respectful, if I can see Christ thru you, you ARE beautiful in my eyes.

 Not everyone is a winner. Not everyone deserves a trophy. You know why? Because by giving everyone a trophy, by telling everyone they are winners, they are beautiful, they are perfect just the way they are, you are taking away any desire for them to better themselves. To become better people. To hopefully become an asset to society instead of a drain on it. We are raising the next generation to be wimpy, whiny, narcissistic human beings. And quiet frankly, it terrifies me.  It terrifies me that they will someday be running our country.

*okay. rant over*

You know what conclusion my aunt and I came to in our discussion? We concluded that ,we, as believers, do have an obligation to our Lord to be the salt and light in our communities. We will not lay down and be walked on. We are to reach others for HIM and for His Kingdom. We have to stand up. And be heard. But when it is all said and done. We already know the end of this story. We know God wins. We know that Satan loses this battle.

We will be victorious over this sin sick world. It will not be without heartache. It will not be without loss. We will be persecuted. And we will suffer.

But as we are being the salt and light, as we are doing what we know God wants us to do, living as we know He wants us to live...

We can just pop a bowl of popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the ride .  I have a feeling its going to be quiet a ride.

Friday, March 18, 2016

I blinked

Where have the last 20 years gone?
Sometimes I look back at this life of ours and am amazed.
Amazed at the grace of my Lord and Savior who has kept our
family safe in the shelter of His arms.

Some may look at our family and question that statement.
Safe? How can you even say that? Look what
you have had to deal with as a family!
 Death. Sin. Heartache.
So much time spent apart from each other!

My answer is this.
Without God I would not have found the peace and comfort
that followed the death.
Without God I would not have been able to love thru the sin.
Without God I would not have been able to show love,
compassion and forgiveness.
Without God I would not BE able to love thru so much time spent
apart from each other.

Beans, a single mom with an adorable blessing.
God knows His plans in our daughter's and grandson's life.
I am a firm believer in taking our sins and turning them into blessings.
It can only be accomplished thru forgiveness and lots of prayer
and heart-checks.
My girl amazes me with her humility. Her love
for her son. Her determination to bring every fear and worry
to her Lord thru prayer. Now she looks back at our "rules",
the ones she fought against so hard!!!, and understands them.
She watches her younger siblings and encourages me to
stick to my guns. "They will understand someday and be
thankful that you didn't buckle". 
I blinked. And she grew up.

Our Blue- Eyed Angel is still flying under the radar.
She does what she wants, doesn't announce it to anyone,
 goes days without talking to me, loves her nephew
to pieces, keeps busy with work, and loves with all
her heart. She talks about her future.
 About wanting to get married and start a family.
Now when I overhear her talking with her sisters
she is the one who reminds them that they will be getting
married and not living together forever.
I must have blinked.
My angel baby is not a baby anymore.

Mouth is graduating. She is already half moved into her
sisters place. She wants to spread her wings and fly.
Fly away from home, away from the rules and
confines of parents.
She wants to make her own decisions, her own mistakes.
And I understand it.
We raised our children to be independent. Free thinkers.
Wanderers. And these are the consequences of it.
What happened to my blonde-haired (She dyed her hair BROWN :( 
dandelion puff, wild little girl?
I look at her and see a quiet brunette,
with straight hair and big dreams.
Why did I blink?!?!?

Little Brother. He sure isn't little anymore. He's almost
taller then his sisters, even Mouth!
He has a summer job. A summer job that will give him the
experience he could use for the future.
It will also take him away from home. A lot. Like father, like son, I guess.
We raised our Pack to be hard-workers. To
be respectful. To always go the extra mile.
And this is the consequence. A company that would like to train him,
to give him the experience he needs to be a site superintendent.
To oversee multi million dollar projects. Trades that want
to train him, to give him experience in all the aspects of
construction management.
Oh. Did I mention he's also getting his drivers license next month?
I don't want to blink!!!

Baby Sister. Is a teenager. She will be getting her first cell phone soon.
She is talking about applying for a summer job.
She loves doing hair and makeup. And she is actually quite talented at it.
She still loves to crawl in bed with me at the end of
the day and tell me all her hopes and dreams.
She tells me what is going on in her heart and life.
She laughs and giggles with me and we act goofy together.
She is still my baby girl.
I refuse to blink.

 Last night, as I laid in bed, I could hear my 3 youngest
laughing and giggling and talking together.
Usually I would get annoyed at this happening at 10:40
at night and everyone should be sleeping.
I was ready to yell at all of them to head to bed
and be QUIET!!!
But I didn't.
I paused, and thought to myself, "I wont be hearing these
voices, those laughs and giggles, for very much longer."

There is a season for everything.
As a young wife and mother, I couldn't see past the
end of the week, sometimes the end of the day.
Diapers, potty training, dishes, 3 meals a day, laundry,
band-aids and stitches and broken bones, teaching, training,
loving, living.
"Lord, get me thru today. just today" was often my prayer.

And then.
I blinked.

And I miss it.

I miss the nightly bath times, braiding my little girls' hair,
snuggling on the couch and reading story books,
sloppy kisses and little arms that wouldn't let go,
little girls twirling thru the living room and landing
in a giggling heap on the floor.
My little blonde haired boy that always wanted a hug and kiss.
Who would tell me about his adventures, snuggled up on
the couch with me.

I am now in a between seasons.
I have another little boy, this one looks like he may have dark hair,
to hug and kiss and snuggle on the couch with. To read stories to.
I still have my Littles who come home and tell me all about their adventures.

I am looking forward to this next season with my love.
To going on adventures with him.
To finally have time for just the 2 of us (if that's even possible).

And its going to come soon enough.


Everyone blinks.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

CraZy LoVe

Its such a simple word. One that gets thrown around. Cheapened. 
It gets overused, untill it becomes... meaningless.

There are many forms of love.
The love a parent has for their child.
The love felt between friends.
The love from our Heavenly Father.

And the love between husband and wife.
Lovers. Love how God intended between 2 people.
A love so pure and all encompassiing. 
Love that you are so secure in.
800 miles cannot dull that love.

I am amazed at the power of that love.
After almost 20 years, my love for him
still drives me crazy.  

How is it that 2 crazy teenagers were able
to beat the odds? 
20 years. 5 kids. 1 grandchild. countless jobs.
days and weeks spent apart. the times we came together.
those times we fell apart. yet we seem to always find our way back
to each other. I can only give God the glory. only thru HIS grace
have we made this work. 
Its a crazy beautiful thing, this love I have for my handsome man. 

wait for it. wait for that person. that one person. the one who 
gives you goosebumps and butterflies. that one person that you cannot imagine
your life without.  don`t fall into this worlds easy love mentality.  hold out. 
wait. look for the one who will show you how crazy in love you can be.

...... crAzY iN LoVe......
sometimes thats how you make me feel...
you know, that....
CaN`t gEt eNoUgh
I wAnt tO cRaWl oUt oF mY SkIn
BiTe yOu
HoLd You
sQueeZe yOu
lOOk iNto YouR EyeS
KiSS yoU TiLL I cAn`T bReaTHe
FaLL asLeeP to yOur HeartBeat
Can.T FinD ThE WordS to DescRibe iT...

......CraZy LoVe......

Monday, June 29, 2015

A Heart Check

It has been forever since I have sat down and been able to write out what has been going on in my life, because, you see, then I would have had to examine my heart and my life.

                                               "The time of a rebellious heart."
That is what the title of this post should be. That pretty much sums up the last 2 years of my life. Rebelling against my Father. and the Holy Spirit. Its been a constant warring in my heart and yes, it has showed up in my life. Thru my marriage and my Brat Pack.

Lets rewind shall we?

The cousin that was diagnosed with cancer in my last post has since gone on to glory. That was a struggle for our entire family. Mouth struggled the most. I raged against my Heavenly Father.

Church has been a sore spot in my life. We had become increasingly frustrated with the church we were going to. The church I had grown up in. I was battling with God more and more in every aspect of my life. We changed churches, it didn't and still hasn't filled that spot in my life that has always been such a pinnacle part of who I am.

I decided I wanted to experience everything that I had never been able to. Drinking. Staying out all night. Gambling. My mouth became a sewer. Words that made me cringe came pouring out more and more. I became desensitized to the hard person I was becoming.
I would go days without looking in a mirror. I guess I didn't like who I saw staring back at me anymore. The people I had been surrounding myself with had become been a drain on me. I have turned into this person who hasn't been speaking out her beliefs. I have wanted to be liked and accepted into this circle of people, and in doing so, I have become this person I don't even like.

The things going on in our country this past week have hit me hard. When my children try to live out their faith on social media and are blasted by MY so-called friends, it makes me sit up and look at who I have surrounded myself with. Who I have let into my children's lives.

Sometimes we need a wakeup call. I guess you could say this has been mine. Time to get my heart and life back in check. To surround myself with those that I can encourage and minister to.  Time to find someone who can be an encouragement to me, someone who will encourage me to strengthen my relationship with my Lord and Savior, someone who will encourage me to be a woman after God's own heart once again.

Here's an update on my Pack in the last 2 years...

Beans graduated high school, moved out, had her own time of rebelling, joined the army, came home, and is now preparing to be the best single mom she can possibly be (no, she did not get pregnant during basic training). Yup. That is one of the very visual ways I see my own rebellion manifesting itself in one of my children. I often look back and question, if I hadn't gone thru my own season of rebelling, if my oldest daughter wouldn't be preparing herself for her biggest (and can be her most rewarding) challenge yet?

Blue Eyes has graduated high school.  She and Beans have found a home to rent. They moved in this last weekend. It will be a challenging time for both of them. With the added stress of a newborn in the home, and multiple jobs each. Praying they cling to their heavenly father as they figure out this thing called adulthood.

Mouth is a 16 year old girl with the body and maturity of one much older. That alone has its challenges. When 28 year olds ask my little girl out, this momma sees red. Trying to get her to understand that not everyone is her friend, and that guys typically only want one thing makes me want to hit my head against the wall. Repeatedly. Saddens me to ruin this girls positive outlook on humanity.

Little Brother isn't so little anymore. He tries so hard to protect his sisters from the slime of the world. Once again, its hard to see your child lose the positive outlook on humanity...

Baby Sister is at the age of wanting to be liked and accepted at all costs. Kids are mean. And we have had to address heartbreaking situations in both of our young girls' lives.

Handsome Hubby is back on the road working as a site superintendent. Which means weeks without seeing each other, weeks without getting that much needed support from each other, weeks without the kids being able to connect with him face to face. I have always been able to say I have had only one love in my life, and thru the grace of God, I can still say it. Even thru my rebelliousness, God stuck with me and I stayed true to the love of my life :)
 (On a positive note - we will be going to him next week, and spending a whole week together as a family :) We are all looking forward to it.)

I was chatting on FB this morning with a woman I have yet to meet.  I have see her living her faith on social media, this woman who isn't perfect, doesn't have perfect kids, she was a huge encouragement to me. She probably doesn't even realize how much she has helped and encouraged me when I was questioning the path our country is taking and the sin sick world that we will be welcoming our first grandchild into.

Her parting remark to me was, "So rise out of your slump, be filled with the Holy Spirit! We are not of this world!"

yup. I am not of this world. I may be living here. But I will no longer be a part of it.

Its a funny thing. How our lives go thru seasons. And I for one, am happy to put this season of darkness behind me and step back into the SONSHINE.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

Monday, June 24, 2013

The Tears, oh my goodness. The Tears...

Last week a few of my Pack came home laughing hysterically, Mouth was dripping wet, wearing her clothes, and Little Brother was a few hooks richer...

lets start from the beginning...

Beans and Mouth were on their way home, and they see Little Brother trying to get one of his fishing hooks out of a "tree".

 (it was really an over grown bush, but whatever.)

So Mouth decides to help him out and climb the bush to get the hook for Little Brother.

It seriously is just an overgrown bush, not really any limbs to speak of to climb. 

So she's shimmying up this branch and she's almost to the hook, when she hears it...


"I CAN GET IT!! I CAN GET IT BEFORE IT BREAKS!!!! " She yells as she tries to hurry up. The branch that her leg is on breaks off and she loses her balance so she is now DANGLING from the branch.

"I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna DIE!!!!" she is chanting to herself as she keeps moving towards the hook, she now realizes there are THREE hooks that she can retrieve for Little Brother (I guess no one else has ever been gutsy enough to retrieve hooks from this tree, bush, whatever it is...),

now, Beans is laughing hysterically from the shore, like, tears dripping down her legs. hysterical.

Mouth is still kinda sorta dangling above the water but she has thrown all 3 hooks to Little Brother, so she figures its a win. then


and down she goes into the river!!! 

she comes up dripping wet and laughing so hard she can barely stand up straight :)

Fast forward to them walking into the house, Mouth is dripping wet, Little Brother is the proud owner of found hooks and one retrieved hook, and they are all 3 laughing so hard they can barely get the story out. 

Its moments like these I want to remember forever.

It seems we are always so busy around here lately. going 7 different directions at once. 7 different schedules to juggle. And I love every single bit of it  :)

Monday, May 13, 2013

Manic Monday

well lets see, I'm another year older since my last post. we have celebrated 3 birthdays. and the snow has FINALLY melted and it seems to be that summer may have arrived. HH is finally working, in fact he is gone for the next week. which I am totally ok with.

 so here we go with my manic Monday post..

* 6 months of winter is hard on a person. especially someone who is a summer girl. NOT a winter cold and snow kind of girl :)

* school has been done for a few weeks already. and the Pack is getting on my nerves.

* Blue Eyes now has a job. working with Beans :)

* which means Mouth and Baby Sister are now taking over all the babysitting duties

*Little Brother will be working with HH all summer. and I am VERY happy about that!

* His voice is changing and he is FINALLY growing!!! he informed me, " well mom, you didn't have to buy me clothes for 3 years because I didn't grow! " I'm thinking he just might make up for it this summer :/

* Mouth went in for an MRI last week... so many left over issues from last year and her hospital stay. MRI came back normal. but scheduled an apt with a neurologist for next week. We shall see what we will be doing with her this summer :/

* I have been thinking more and more of when the Pack will be out of the house and I am actually looking forward to it... horrible mom moment? maybe.

* addicted to a tv show on Netflix... FRINGE. being addicted to a tv show is pretty much unheard of for me. I NEVER watch tv!!!

* looking forward to a busy sunny warm summer season!

* Friday night pizza nights are coming to an end for the season. on to campfires and hotdog Friday nights ;)

* my cousin was diagnosed with cancer last week. it has been a horrible week for me. I always joke with HH, "well I know how I'm going to die. Cancer!" cancer runs rampant thru my family... 3 grandparents have had it. 2 died from it. cousins. 2nd cousins. great aunts and uncles... yup. that's how I'm going to die. but to hear that my cousin (and my FAVORITE cousin. the one who rescued me from closets. the one who included me, even when all the others were being mean to me.), to hear that he was in for the battle of his life, was heartbreaking for me and so many of my family.

* many sleepless nights. prayerful nights. it seems like that's all I do.