Thursday, November 29, 2007

My List....

Do you ever dream big? Sometimes I find myself dreaming about all the things I would like to experience/accomplish in my lifetime. Dennis and I love to dream about what we would do if we had money. From the simple things to the most extreme, like visiting Africa and hunting wild game. To build a big house, have nice clothes, drive nice vehicles, send our children to college, travel, take care of our parents when they get old, own a neat little motel up in the northwoods, remodel the house.... the list is endless, but I believe in dreaming big!!

Visit the White House
Travel from coast to coast one summer
Swim in the ocean
Eat some Jumbalya, in New Orleans
Spend 2 weeks in Costa Rica
Visit Africa, not the pretty parts, the REAL Africa
Go on an exotic hunt with Dennis
Publish some of my photos in a magazine
See all of my children happily married to Christian spouses
Stay in a cabin in the Colorado Rockies, during the winter
Visit Niagra Falls
Be in a play
Meet someone famous
Drive cross country in a 79 Camaro, just Dennis and I
See all my children graduate, and know that I had a hand in it!
Build a new house in the country
Own a neat little motel up in the northwoods
Hire a tutor to help with the kids' schooling
Raise amazing, sweet, well adjusted children
Live simple

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


Have you ever felt restless? I can't seem to get back into the swing of things since I've been back home. Sometimes I wish I were stil in MO. Dennis is back to being away from home during the weeks and only home on weekends, I feel like life is passing by and I'm only going thru the motions. I really want to move the kids and I to Red Wing so we can all be together all of the time. Nothing is holding me here.... I expected to feel wanted and needed when we came home, but I don't feel either of those. We would be home on weekends, at least most of the time, and I don't think anyone would really miss us. As long as we showed up for church a couple times a month, people probably wouldn't even know we're gone.

My mind isn't in a good place right now. I'm questioning so much in my life. Why have we chosen to homeschool our children, I have some friends who have said, "see Shanan, if you would just put them in PS, you wouldn't have to deal with any of this." Why do I doubt our decision? I am not accountable to friends for my children's lives, I am accountable to God. PS does not nurture their souls, many times it does not even nurture their minds. I think my heart would break if I sent them to PS, I would feel that I have let them down and more importantly, that I have let God down.

It's been hard coming back to our home church. I miss our church family down south, I miss my friends that I have made. I miss the way the people are on fire for God, how it showers down even to the youngest child. I miss just closing my eyes and listening to the concregation sing, like they really mean what they are singing! I feel out of place. I shouldn't say that, our youth kids have welcomed us back and I still feel part of their lives. I find I have to force myself, and the kids to go every Sunday.

It is amazing how dispensible we are. To the people around us we aren't all that important. Family is different.

I'm struggling right now on so many different levels.