Thursday, July 28, 2016

Masochist

Most of the time people see that word and right away think of some sexual deviant. Someone who likes to have pain inflicted on them in some sort of sexual ritual. My mind right away goes to the "50 Shades of Grey" craze from a few years back (yes. I did read the books. and I bought the movie. I thought it was... interesting, to say the least).  A masochist is one who enjoys physical pain.


Weird intro. sorry. but my mind has been working in really weird, convoluted ways the last few days.


I had a couple tattoos done a couple months ago. One on the top of my hand (crazy painful everyone said), and one on the inside of my wrist.  The last few days I have been trying to make sense of the desire for more tattoos. It is painful. But its a good kind of pain. -stick with me here- its a pain that you can rise above. a pain that you can control.


After having my babies with no pain medication of any sort, (4 were born at home) I remember the feeling of going somewhere else in my mind. Somewhere where I could control the pain, block it out, embrace it, triumph over it. Then when the pain is gone, you get this crazy high. I remember moments after having my fresh babes placed in my arms, looking up at HH and saying, "wow. I cant wait to do that again". not even kidding. he thought I was crazy.


Pain makes you feel alive. Pain that brings forth beauty, pain that you have chosen I guess you could say, is a pain I find myself desiring. Its a pain that makes me feel powerful, and strong and alive.


"Pain that brings forth beauty." Don't let that statement get lost in the shuffle. My tattoos are art to me. The compass on my hand is actually my daughters art. They are beauty to me.


The most mind blowing pain I have ever experienced also brought forth beauty. My 5 beautiful children.


*I told you my mind has been working weird lately.*


I already have a few more art pieces that I am looking at getting permanently inked onto my canvas. The pain will be welcome. The beauty after will be worth it.  Does that make me a masochist?