Thursday, July 28, 2016


Most of the time people see that word and right away think of some sexual deviant. Someone who likes to have pain inflicted on them in some sort of sexual ritual. My mind right away goes to the "50 Shades of Grey" craze from a few years back (yes. I did read the books. and I bought the movie. I thought it was... interesting, to say the least).  A masochist is one who enjoys physical pain.

Weird intro. sorry. but my mind has been working in really weird, convoluted ways the last few days.

I had a couple tattoos done a couple months ago. One on the top of my hand (crazy painful everyone said), and one on the inside of my wrist.  The last few days I have been trying to make sense of the desire for more tattoos. It is painful. But its a good kind of pain. -stick with me here- its a pain that you can rise above. a pain that you can control.

After having my babies with no pain medication of any sort, (4 were born at home) I remember the feeling of going somewhere else in my mind. Somewhere where I could control the pain, block it out, embrace it, triumph over it. Then when the pain is gone, you get this crazy high. I remember moments after having my fresh babes placed in my arms, looking up at HH and saying, "wow. I cant wait to do that again". not even kidding. he thought I was crazy.

Pain makes you feel alive. Pain that brings forth beauty, pain that you have chosen I guess you could say, is a pain I find myself desiring. Its a pain that makes me feel powerful, and strong and alive.

"Pain that brings forth beauty." Don't let that statement get lost in the shuffle. My tattoos are art to me. The compass on my hand is actually my daughters art. They are beauty to me.

The most mind blowing pain I have ever experienced also brought forth beauty. My 5 beautiful children.

*I told you my mind has been working weird lately.*

I already have a few more art pieces that I am looking at getting permanently inked onto my canvas. The pain will be welcome. The beauty after will be worth it.  Does that make me a masochist?

Friday, May 6, 2016

Pop a bowl of popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

An aunt of mine and I were chatting a few weeks ago about the direction our country is headed. It can be frustrating, disappointing, maddening and down right depressing if we allow it to be.

The different things I hear and see on mainstream media can get me thinking that we don't have a prayer, this country of ours. The black lives matter movement kind of blind sided me. Until 8 years ago I did not even know our country had a race problem. I may be naive. Maybe I live under a rock? I am not sure. But until the election of our current president, I did not think we had a race problem. I never felt that issues were raised because of color or race. I believed that if someone robbed, murdered, raped, broke the law, then they were criminals and should be treated as such. If you were a law abiding citizen that was doing your best to support your family, be a good parent, if you were striving to make a difference in this world (for good), then you would be respected. (Respect is earned. Not owed.)

I am not quiet sure when we became a people, a country, of wimpy, whiny people. If you don't agree with someone, you are offensive, a bigot, maybe even racist. Maybe its because you are a homophobe. But you are definitely judgmental.

As Christians, we are supposed to love, love, love. I guess when you're a Christian, you aren't allowed to hurt anyone's feelings. (I use the term 'christian' lightly, as the word Christian no longer identifies you with being a Christ follower, it seems people use the term to tell others that they are 'a good person'). I don't agree. As a Christ follower, yes I am to love, but that does not make me a doormat of epic proportions. I do not have to sit in a corner and quiet my voice. I can tell others that homosexuality is sin. I can voice my opinion on abortion, that it is murder. I am allowed to fight against the indoctrination of our children thru the government, when it wants to teach them that the muslim religion is accepted and even praised as a peace loving religion. Its wrong. So very very wrong, for us believers to quiet our voices.

Our local school girls have created a page on social media. "Free the beauty" its called. they think they are a big deal. They spout words and statements like "everyone is beautiful", they feel that no one should be allowed to call someone ugly, or fat, or stupid. Well I am sorry to inform you, little girls, that not everyone is beautiful, not everyone is perfect the way they are. Everyone could use some improvement (please do not misinterpret this as a statement on solely physical attributes).  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I may not see things the same way as you do. I tend to look at a persons character, who they are as a human being, and if they are ugly on the inside, they tend to take that shape on the outside. If you are a nasty girl, (mean, ugly, deceitful) then you ARE nasty and ugly to me. You may not be the most physically beautiful specimen on the planet, but if you have a beautiful character, if you are kind, honest, respectful, if I can see Christ thru you, you ARE beautiful in my eyes.

 Not everyone is a winner. Not everyone deserves a trophy. You know why? Because by giving everyone a trophy, by telling everyone they are winners, they are beautiful, they are perfect just the way they are, you are taking away any desire for them to better themselves. To become better people. To hopefully become an asset to society instead of a drain on it. We are raising the next generation to be wimpy, whiny, narcissistic human beings. And quiet frankly, it terrifies me.  It terrifies me that they will someday be running our country.

*okay. rant over*

You know what conclusion my aunt and I came to in our discussion? We concluded that ,we, as believers, do have an obligation to our Lord to be the salt and light in our communities. We will not lay down and be walked on. We are to reach others for HIM and for His Kingdom. We have to stand up. And be heard. But when it is all said and done. We already know the end of this story. We know God wins. We know that Satan loses this battle.

We will be victorious over this sin sick world. It will not be without heartache. It will not be without loss. We will be persecuted. And we will suffer.

But as we are being the salt and light, as we are doing what we know God wants us to do, living as we know He wants us to live...

We can just pop a bowl of popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the ride .  I have a feeling its going to be quiet a ride.

Friday, March 18, 2016

I blinked

Where have the last 20 years gone?
Sometimes I look back at this life of ours and am amazed.
Amazed at the grace of my Lord and Savior who has kept our
family safe in the shelter of His arms.

Some may look at our family and question that statement.
Safe? How can you even say that? Look what
you have had to deal with as a family!
 Death. Sin. Heartache.
So much time spent apart from each other!

My answer is this.
Without God I would not have found the peace and comfort
that followed the death.
Without God I would not have been able to love thru the sin.
Without God I would not have been able to show love,
compassion and forgiveness.
Without God I would not BE able to love thru so much time spent
apart from each other.

Beans, a single mom with an adorable blessing.
God knows His plans in our daughter's and grandson's life.
I am a firm believer in taking our sins and turning them into blessings.
It can only be accomplished thru forgiveness and lots of prayer
and heart-checks.
My girl amazes me with her humility. Her love
for her son. Her determination to bring every fear and worry
to her Lord thru prayer. Now she looks back at our "rules",
the ones she fought against so hard!!!, and understands them.
She watches her younger siblings and encourages me to
stick to my guns. "They will understand someday and be
thankful that you didn't buckle". 
I blinked. And she grew up.

Our Blue- Eyed Angel is still flying under the radar.
She does what she wants, doesn't announce it to anyone,
 goes days without talking to me, loves her nephew
to pieces, keeps busy with work, and loves with all
her heart. She talks about her future.
 About wanting to get married and start a family.
Now when I overhear her talking with her sisters
she is the one who reminds them that they will be getting
married and not living together forever.
I must have blinked.
My angel baby is not a baby anymore.

Mouth is graduating. She is already half moved into her
sisters place. She wants to spread her wings and fly.
Fly away from home, away from the rules and
confines of parents.
She wants to make her own decisions, her own mistakes.
And I understand it.
We raised our children to be independent. Free thinkers.
Wanderers. And these are the consequences of it.
What happened to my blonde-haired (She dyed her hair BROWN :( 
dandelion puff, wild little girl?
I look at her and see a quiet brunette,
with straight hair and big dreams.
Why did I blink?!?!?

Little Brother. He sure isn't little anymore. He's almost
taller then his sisters, even Mouth!
He has a summer job. A summer job that will give him the
experience he could use for the future.
It will also take him away from home. A lot. Like father, like son, I guess.
We raised our Pack to be hard-workers. To
be respectful. To always go the extra mile.
And this is the consequence. A company that would like to train him,
to give him the experience he needs to be a site superintendent.
To oversee multi million dollar projects. Trades that want
to train him, to give him experience in all the aspects of
construction management.
Oh. Did I mention he's also getting his drivers license next month?
I don't want to blink!!!

Baby Sister. Is a teenager. She will be getting her first cell phone soon.
She is talking about applying for a summer job.
She loves doing hair and makeup. And she is actually quite talented at it.
She still loves to crawl in bed with me at the end of
the day and tell me all her hopes and dreams.
She tells me what is going on in her heart and life.
She laughs and giggles with me and we act goofy together.
She is still my baby girl.
I refuse to blink.

 Last night, as I laid in bed, I could hear my 3 youngest
laughing and giggling and talking together.
Usually I would get annoyed at this happening at 10:40
at night and everyone should be sleeping.
I was ready to yell at all of them to head to bed
and be QUIET!!!
But I didn't.
I paused, and thought to myself, "I wont be hearing these
voices, those laughs and giggles, for very much longer."

There is a season for everything.
As a young wife and mother, I couldn't see past the
end of the week, sometimes the end of the day.
Diapers, potty training, dishes, 3 meals a day, laundry,
band-aids and stitches and broken bones, teaching, training,
loving, living.
"Lord, get me thru today. just today" was often my prayer.

And then.
I blinked.

And I miss it.

I miss the nightly bath times, braiding my little girls' hair,
snuggling on the couch and reading story books,
sloppy kisses and little arms that wouldn't let go,
little girls twirling thru the living room and landing
in a giggling heap on the floor.
My little blonde haired boy that always wanted a hug and kiss.
Who would tell me about his adventures, snuggled up on
the couch with me.

I am now in a between seasons.
I have another little boy, this one looks like he may have dark hair,
to hug and kiss and snuggle on the couch with. To read stories to.
I still have my Littles who come home and tell me all about their adventures.

I am looking forward to this next season with my love.
To going on adventures with him.
To finally have time for just the 2 of us (if that's even possible).

And its going to come soon enough.


Everyone blinks.