Tuesday, December 30, 2008

finding joy

Sometimes its not a very easy thing, to find joy in every journey. This journey has been hard for me to find joy in.

We have left a wonderful church where we were growing and learning and being convicted on a weekly basis. We are struggling to find the joy in our home church, the focus for God's Work is not easy to see, the fire for God's Word is hard to find... I am finding myself asking God if this is really what He has for us. Is this His plan for us? I know I said I would take what I learned down in BB and bring it home with me.
Yeah~ um, thats easier said than done. See, for anything like that to work, you first have to have people who want change, and they don't. They don't want change, they don't want to be convicted, they don't want to search their lives and hearts to see where Christ is leading them. They don't want to be forced out of their comfort zone. And the reason I know this is because that was me 8 months ago. That was me that was sitting in the pew, making my "to-do" list for the week, writing notes to my hubby, picking apart the sermon, trying to stay awake.
I went thru all the motions of being there, but I wasn't there. I had become so bitter. I refuse to become that person again, to be that bitter person who has just given up. But I have to tell you, its hard not to get sucked back into that cycle of bitterness.
It would be so much easier to just sit back and say, "well, that's just how it is up here, " I don't want to do that this time around, I want to throw myself into this work with my whole being... but yet, I don't. I don't want to put myself out there just to get shot down. I am scared of being the one, the one who comes in and shakes things up, who shakes things up just to leave again. But I am more scared of coming home next time and not having a church to go to.
I am trying to find the joy on this journey home, I may have to dig deeper into myself and into God's Will for my life to find the joy this time. I will keep searching for the joy. If I can't find it, maybe I will have to make it...

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