I went with Dennis to Montana. No more questioning what I needed to do, he needs me with him more than the kids need me in MN, they have each other, he had no one. The kids are taking care of my garden, we will be home every few weeks and I will be canning 24/7 on the weekends I am home! It always takes me a bit to get used to a new thing. Living in a 1-bedroom hotel (I will call it an apartment from here on out, it's better for my mind set) room takes some getting used to for me. I'm used to a whole house to clean and maintain, a yard and garden to keep up with, children and grandchildren to see, so this is an adjustment. It's a good adjustment for me. I am so used to "busy work" that being still has been driving me crazy.
A friend stated, "goals and busy work are usually for people that can't sit in a room and be alone". That made me pause. Am I so busy that I don't give my Father the undivided attention He and I both need? So the last few days I have dug deep into my Bible. I have a few different studies that I am really enjoying (?). The one has been very convicting.
Last winter we spent a few weeks searching and finding out what our spiritual gifts are, I was excited and was willing to jump in and use those gifts to serve others at church! Thats as far as it went. You see, I have used past hurts and offenses to build up strongholds in my life, my impenetrable walls have been standing firm, and I have come to the realization that I cannot use the gifts God has given me fully until those walls are finally torn down.
Do I, did I, have reason to be hurt? Yes, I did. It's true that those closest to you will hurt you the deepest. And as a Christ follower, I have found that other believers have hurt me the deepest. And as I have been hurt deeply time and time again, those walls got taller and stronger.
We have found a church family that fits and that we LOVE (after 10 years of searching and continuing to be hurt)! And in true Shanan fashion, I flat out told them that I don't NEED friends (those walls are very very strong and I am very stubborn!). That I don't WANT friends. I was harsh. In hindsight it was probably hurtful to say it so bluntly, I tend to pride myself on my bluntness😖. I explained that I don't mean anything by it, that I enjoy being friendly with others, I actually really enjoy being around other believers, but that is as far as I want it to go. I don't need or want to meet up for coffee, to have others involved in my daily or even weekly life, to open up my heart to, to share my struggles and heartbreaks with or to rejoice with. I don't need them or anyone. Ouch! I knew even at that time that I wrong to think, much less say, these things, but those walls were standing tall and strong!
You may ask if I am still bitter towards those that hurt me so deeply, so many years ago. I am not. You probably don't believe me, and I don't blame you! But you see, I forgave them years ago and feel nothing but love for them and sincerely pray the best for them and their families! And since I no longer felt any bitterness or anger towards them, I figured I was okay to keep those walls up. "Live and learn", "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me", you know, all those sayings, they have strengthened my resolve to not let anyone into my life and heart ever again.
This Bible study on The Bait of Satan is opening my eyes to how wrong I have been in that thinking. I am seeing how Satan has used and is STILL using those past hurts and offenses to enable me to keep my walls strong and firm! And I am figuring out that that is not what my Heavenly Father wants for me, He cannot use me to help build His Kingdom if I'm not willing to tear down these strongholds in my life. If I want all of HIM, I need to give Him ALL of ME.
So I guess that was a very long-drawn-out way of saying that I am learning to embrace the quiet and stillness, to use this time to focus on learning, to grow in wisdom and knowledge. To build a stronger relationship with my Father and to be fully present with Him.
Oh, and to spend some quality time with Dennis and finally fulfill that dream of being just the two of us 😊!
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