The fear that overcomes your whole being when you have a child that is sick, and they don't know what is wrong, that fear is unimaginable. I had that fear a couple weeks ago.
I have had this post on my mind a lot this last week, but I just couldn't make myself go back there yet. Mouth is doing better now. I think that's why I have decided I can handle this post now. but there are still tears when I go back to that fear...
Mouth had went to bed on a Wed night and Thursday morning she didn't get out of bed. She was burning up with fever, (103.8) and was complaining of a horrible headache. Mouth never complains of pain. Never. This is the girl who has had stitches without any anesthetic. This is the girl who had fractured her foot and never told me.
I brought her in to the clinic Friday morning after she started complaining that her neck was killing her and she started throwing up whenever she would move. She slept in the van with sunglasses on. She laid on a couple chairs in the waiting room and slept. She crawled onto the exam table and slept. Dr D sent her to lab to check for strep, influenza, and mono. When I was bringing her back to the exam room, she looked at me, and kinda whispered, 'mom?' and her eyes rolled back in her head and she passed out. I caught her and held her up while another Dr ran to help her. It took a little bit to get her to come to. and even then she wouldn't open her eyes and her words were so hard to understand. I was terrified.
The amount of pain she was in at this point was mind boggling to me. I have never seen any of my Pack in this much pain. And for it to be Mouth? I knew this was bad.
We got her back into an exam room and they hooked her up to IVs right away. IV pain meds and anti nausea meds were pumping into her. And she still was in so much pain.
She has the uncanny ability to block out everything and go someplace else in her mind. That is how she deals with pain.(She used this coping mechanism alot during the next week.) But when she does that? It means that she is just a shell of herself. blank eyes. no smile. no twinkle. It is so scary to see her like that.
While we waited for the lab results to come back I had called HH and asked him if he could come to the clinic and wait with us. I had this fear that they would say she's fine, they couldn't find anything, and they would send her home with me. I had no clue how I would be able to get her out to the van and into the house in the condition she was in.
The labs came back good. Negative for everything they had checked for. Dr D decided a spinal tap was needed to rule out meningitis. She showed all the classic symptoms. So we went over to the hospital for a spinal tap. They tested her spinal fluid and everything was good. She was starting to perk up a tiny little bit. and she wanted to get out of the hospital and go home.
We got her into the wheelchair to bring her out to the truck and the change that overcame her was startling. She went back to looking like a ghost. dead eyes. no twinkle and no smile. she was clutching her head and trying not to cry.
back to square one.
HH and I looked at each other and had no clue what we were supposed to do. No one else was around. "are we supposed to bring her home?" I guess so? and we did. she crawled into the back of the truck and laid there the whole way home. HH had to pick her up and carry her into our bedroom and put her to bed there.
the next 2 days were hell. there is no other way to explain it.
we had a 13 yr old who needed to be carried to the bathroom, and carried back to bed. when she moved we had to have a bucket ready because she would throw up instantly. she didn't talk. she didn't cry. she just laid there.
Saturday night she was complaining of her back hurting and she was having a hard time breathing. HH carried her out to the truck and we brought her in to the local ER. the hooked her up to IVs and pumped pain meds and anti nausea meds into her. nothing helped. they found out she had had a spinal tap and decided it was a spinal headache. the anesthesiologist wasn't sure that it was a spinal headache, her symptoms hadn't changed from when we brought her in Friday morning. a blood patch was discussed and dismissed. why do another procedure needlessly when she was still complaining of the initial headaches and just crumminess?
They sent us home with orders for her to drink a LOT of fluids. that's it. HH pulled the truck into the ambulance garage and Mouth crawled into the back of the truck and laid there. all the way home. HH had to pick her up and carry her into the house and put her back to bed in our bed.
Sunday we pushed her to drink drink drink.... and she would throw up throw up throw up. HH was carrying her to the bathroom and back to bed. she begged us to put dark blankets over the windows in our room, and the slightest sound would have her curling up into a ball. and throwing up. by Sunday night she was refusing anything to drink and she hadn't eaten anything since wed night.
Monday. I asked her what she wanted to do. "mom, I can't do this anymore. you have to bring me to the hospital. I feel like I'm dying." HH picked her up and we brought her in to the ER. there was no way we were going to leave that hospital until they helped her.
We got in. they paged her Dr and he came right over. they put her on IVs again. this time it was morphine getting pumped into her. more anti nausea meds and a CT scan was ordered immediately. Dr D said if he had know she was still in pain Friday night, he would have admitted her then. the CT scan came back with every sinus cavity plugged, but no masses or anything abnormal.
I think that was the first time I was able to breath since Friday. When I found out there was nothing evil growing in her head. I had had this overpowering fear that they would find something wrong. I was terrified that they were going to find cancer. SO when Dr D came back and said the CT scan was clear except for the massive sinus infection, I cried. Hard. and Mouth looked at me and said, "mom, I'm gonna be ok. my head just hurts really bad." and of course I turned into a blubbering fool.
Dr D admitted her immediately. She was in the hospital for 4 days. They had so many meds pumping into her, and morphine and anti nausea stuff . By Wednesday afternoon she was able to come off the morphine. She could lay in bed without being in unbearable pain. the only hurdle we still had was when she would sit up or stand up the pain in her head would be overpowering and she would start throwing up and she would have to lay down right away. We decided a blood patch was in order, if that didn't take care of the pain they would have to do surgery to see if they could unplug her sinuses to see if that was the reason for the pain. We did the blood patch Wed night. Later that night she sat up in her bed. She didn't throw up. She only gave us a half grin. but her eyes were sparkling. We finally got to see our girl again. it had been a week.
She ate food for the first time in 7 days and kept it down. It was only a few bites of a sandwich. but I was cheering inside :) She fell asleep that night and slept. really slept. woke up Thursday morning and wanted to go home. Dr D was smart and held off till his lunch break to come check on her. He wanted to make sure she could get up and walk around without throwing up and without the pain coming back. She was weak. very weak. we walked down the hall to the lounge and she was exhausted. but she didn't throw up and she was no longer in pain.
We got home Thursday afternoon. She slept in her own night that bed. HH and I were back in the same bed. The Pack were all home. Everything was back to how it should be. Life was good again.
We have noticed a few little things with Mouth. She forgets things easily. She has a hard time coming up the right word for things sometimes. Her appetite still isnt the best. But little things like that? I can handle those things. I have my girl back.
Last Saturday this was my FB status: "french toast, all my kids eating breakfast together, and Mouth in the middle of it all :) things getting scary for a week, makes normal so sweet"
I don't think I can say it any better than that.