Monday, June 29, 2015

A Heart Check

It has been forever since I have sat down and been able to write out what has been going on in my life, because, you see, then I would have had to examine my heart and my life.

                                               "The time of a rebellious heart."
That is what the title of this post should be. That pretty much sums up the last 2 years of my life. Rebelling against my Father. and the Holy Spirit. Its been a constant warring in my heart and yes, it has showed up in my life. Thru my marriage and my Brat Pack.

Lets rewind shall we?

The cousin that was diagnosed with cancer in my last post has since gone on to glory. That was a struggle for our entire family. Mouth struggled the most. I raged against my Heavenly Father.

Church has been a sore spot in my life. We had become increasingly frustrated with the church we were going to. The church I had grown up in. I was battling with God more and more in every aspect of my life. We changed churches, it didn't and still hasn't filled that spot in my life that has always been such a pinnacle part of who I am.

I decided I wanted to experience everything that I had never been able to. Drinking. Staying out all night. Gambling. My mouth became a sewer. Words that made me cringe came pouring out more and more. I became desensitized to the hard person I was becoming.
I would go days without looking in a mirror. I guess I didn't like who I saw staring back at me anymore. The people I had been surrounding myself with had become been a drain on me. I have turned into this person who hasn't been speaking out her beliefs. I have wanted to be liked and accepted into this circle of people, and in doing so, I have become this person I don't even like.

The things going on in our country this past week have hit me hard. When my children try to live out their faith on social media and are blasted by MY so-called friends, it makes me sit up and look at who I have surrounded myself with. Who I have let into my children's lives.

Sometimes we need a wakeup call. I guess you could say this has been mine. Time to get my heart and life back in check. To surround myself with those that I can encourage and minister to.  Time to find someone who can be an encouragement to me, someone who will encourage me to strengthen my relationship with my Lord and Savior, someone who will encourage me to be a woman after God's own heart once again.

Here's an update on my Pack in the last 2 years...

Beans graduated high school, moved out, had her own time of rebelling, joined the army, came home, and is now preparing to be the best single mom she can possibly be (no, she did not get pregnant during basic training). Yup. That is one of the very visual ways I see my own rebellion manifesting itself in one of my children. I often look back and question, if I hadn't gone thru my own season of rebelling, if my oldest daughter wouldn't be preparing herself for her biggest (and can be her most rewarding) challenge yet?

Blue Eyes has graduated high school.  She and Beans have found a home to rent. They moved in this last weekend. It will be a challenging time for both of them. With the added stress of a newborn in the home, and multiple jobs each. Praying they cling to their heavenly father as they figure out this thing called adulthood.

Mouth is a 16 year old girl with the body and maturity of one much older. That alone has its challenges. When 28 year olds ask my little girl out, this momma sees red. Trying to get her to understand that not everyone is her friend, and that guys typically only want one thing makes me want to hit my head against the wall. Repeatedly. Saddens me to ruin this girls positive outlook on humanity.

Little Brother isn't so little anymore. He tries so hard to protect his sisters from the slime of the world. Once again, its hard to see your child lose the positive outlook on humanity...

Baby Sister is at the age of wanting to be liked and accepted at all costs. Kids are mean. And we have had to address heartbreaking situations in both of our young girls' lives.

Handsome Hubby is back on the road working as a site superintendent. Which means weeks without seeing each other, weeks without getting that much needed support from each other, weeks without the kids being able to connect with him face to face. I have always been able to say I have had only one love in my life, and thru the grace of God, I can still say it. Even thru my rebelliousness, God stuck with me and I stayed true to the love of my life :)
 (On a positive note - we will be going to him next week, and spending a whole week together as a family :) We are all looking forward to it.)

I was chatting on FB this morning with a woman I have yet to meet.  I have see her living her faith on social media, this woman who isn't perfect, doesn't have perfect kids, she was a huge encouragement to me. She probably doesn't even realize how much she has helped and encouraged me when I was questioning the path our country is taking and the sin sick world that we will be welcoming our first grandchild into.

Her parting remark to me was, "So rise out of your slump, be filled with the Holy Spirit! We are not of this world!"

yup. I am not of this world. I may be living here. But I will no longer be a part of it.

Its a funny thing. How our lives go thru seasons. And I for one, am happy to put this season of darkness behind me and step back into the SONSHINE.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

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