Have you ever felt restless? I can't seem to get back into the swing of things since I've been back home. Sometimes I wish I were stil in MO. Dennis is back to being away from home during the weeks and only home on weekends, I feel like life is passing by and I'm only going thru the motions. I really want to move the kids and I to Red Wing so we can all be together all of the time. Nothing is holding me here.... I expected to feel wanted and needed when we came home, but I don't feel either of those. We would be home on weekends, at least most of the time, and I don't think anyone would really miss us. As long as we showed up for church a couple times a month, people probably wouldn't even know we're gone.
My mind isn't in a good place right now. I'm questioning so much in my life. Why have we chosen to homeschool our children, I have some friends who have said, "see Shanan, if you would just put them in PS, you wouldn't have to deal with any of this." Why do I doubt our decision? I am not accountable to friends for my children's lives, I am accountable to God. PS does not nurture their souls, many times it does not even nurture their minds. I think my heart would break if I sent them to PS, I would feel that I have let them down and more importantly, that I have let God down.
It's been hard coming back to our home church. I miss our church family down south, I miss my friends that I have made. I miss the way the people are on fire for God, how it showers down even to the youngest child. I miss just closing my eyes and listening to the concregation sing, like they really mean what they are singing! I feel out of place. I shouldn't say that, our youth kids have welcomed us back and I still feel part of their lives. I find I have to force myself, and the kids to go every Sunday.
It is amazing how dispensible we are. To the people around us we aren't all that important. Family is different.
I'm struggling right now on so many different levels.