Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Still searching for answers.

Do you ever feel that sometimes you don't know what God wants for your life? What His will is for you? Your family? I am still searching for answers. What does HE want us to do? I am still struggling on so many levels. HH and I have been searching. Searching for God's will. When we got back from travelling I struggled. I felt 'stuck' in this life, this town, this church. I still feel stuck. I still don't know what the answer is. I do know that I have pulled back, or been pushed away from the church I grew up in. I have felt like an outsider for so long. I hate that my Pack are feeling the same way. I hate that HH struggles to know what to do for our family. What is the right thing to do? Do we cut ties? Do we leave? Start fresh somewhere else? We don't feel that God is leading us in that direction. I have questioned God, yelled at God, cried to Him, "WHY DID YOU SHOW US THAT THINGS CAN BE DIFFERENT? If you were only planning on bringing us back HERE??" I desire so much more. I crave conviction. I need spiritual growth. I need to work on my own life. HH and I need to work on our family. That is not our churchs fault. I say 'church' here loosely. I see others struggling with the same things that we are. I see the stagnant believers in the pews, I am one of them. Do they NOT want the Holy Spirits convicting in their lives? I don't know their hearts. I only know mine. I want more. I want growth in my life, in my children's lives. In my husbands life. He could be such an amazing man of God. Its there. Its in him. I want to see him be the man God wants him to be.

I can't stay here. Not the way things are. Its not good for me. Its not good for our Pack. Its not good for my husband. I can't do this anymore. I cannot be a part of something that sucks the life out of me. There is just so much... baggage (?) you could say. So much bitterness. Too much has been let go for so long, that now no one knows how to change things. Or they just don't care anymore.
I can't see Him. I can't see His working. Is it just me? Am I the only one struggling with this?

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